Perfect Songs - Winter

I have a playlist I've put together I call Zoey Sleep, that we use for the shocking purpose of getting my 4 year old daughter to sleep. It's not your typical set of lullabies, but instead features songs from Juliana Hatfield, Tanya Donelly, Bon Iver, Alison Krauss and several others. I add to it once in a while and she likes the songs I've added. But there's one that not only works best, it has a whole other impact on me: Tori Amos' "Winter.," a perfect song.

This song has taken on new meanings for me over the past 8 or so years, since the birth of our first daughter. Most nights, it works like a charm, calming Zoey down quickly which is a big deal if you know Zoey. It used to do the same for Shayera. And that calmness comes with a lot of reflection on my part as well as it gives me a few minutes of just laying with my daughter, listening to the lyrics and having images run through my mind. Every single time, there are tears. Usually they come after the girl is asleep, and I can just lay there listening to the rest of it.

I've always thought of this song as a (better) companion to Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide," complete with the father daughter relationship and the images of snow. The whole concept of growing older and somehow colder, from the daughter's perspective, and how the father is still there for her, knowing what the future will bring as she faces her teenage years, etc. Look, the song speaks for itself. It's beautiful and multilayered and it was always one of, if not my very favorite of Tori's songs. To the point that we briefly toyed with naming our first born Winter. But my moments with the girls tend to turn the song around a bit, because I imagine the conversation in it slightly different than is perhaps intended.

In my version, the father (me) and the daughters are both sort of saying parts of the lyrics to each other. "You must learn to stand up for yourself cause I can't always be around" is the guiding principal and heartbreaking truth that guides every parent that gives a shit about their kids. And maybe even more so when it's daughters facing a world that continues to be shitty to women. "When you gonna love you as much as I do?" could easily be my daughters telling me that when they were first born and I was really overwhelmed by what the love felt like from them and for them. And I hope it's not something I ever have to say to them, but then the song also goes into the complexity of what our relationship may be like as she gets older, when she says she'll always want her father near and he responds with "things change." By the time the song swells with the last verse about grey hairs, dreams on a shelf and wanting each other to be proud of the other, I'm usually laying in a puddle of tears.

I've always said the most tragic thing you can give a child is a balloon. It's really just a metaphor for mortality and never ends in happiness. It's just this ball of impending sadness. Either you watch it slowly die as it floats less each day, withering like a senile relative before your eyes in a matter of days, or it floats away before you had a chance to truly get to know it, forever a memory of happiness that really could never have been. Sure you can suck the life out of it and speak in a funny voice for a few seconds, but then you're a murderer and empty inside (yeah, just go with it). Even with all this pain, it doesn't prepare you for the realities of parenting. The dread you feel at maybe not being able to be there for them, no matter what, leads to panic when you realize you obviously can't. And then you scramble, daily, to prepare them for EVERYTHING, as if anybody possibly could. But you know full well you can't. You've lived this life and you know what it's done to you. I remember every balloon I've lost both literal and figurative. And it sucks that I can't keep my kids from losing their share as well.

So, yeah, I get a little warm in my heart when I think of Winter. 

Best Albums of 2016 - Number 7

This may be the album I played the most this year. Not only do I love it, but I was constantly getting requests from both of my daughters (3 and 7) to play songs from it. The fact that it's technically a re-packaged version of 2014's KIN, might obscure the fact that Larkin Poe's Reskinned is actually a very different feeling album - one that demonstrates a large amount of growth and redirection in a short period of time. There a few new songs here, some were removed and a couple more were remixed, making this much thicker and heavier than its predecessor. Also, somehow, looser. While their roots remain strong, the Lovell sisters are now focused on the rock in beautifully Southern ways.

The album wastes no time in bringing the heat, opening with the aptly titled "Sucker Puncher." Meghan's flaming slide leads and Rebecca's explosive vocals burst with power that only enhances their sense of melody, harmony and heart. After years spent making more traditionally acoustic Americana, they know song structure so this is not just loud posturing. They didn't just turn up the volume, there's a very real foundation here that I think outshines most blues based rock bands, new and classic.

The whole first half is basically in your face, attitude heavy swaggering that comes to a head in the excellent "Problem." I'm not sure they have sounded better than on this one song. To my ears, it's the highlight of the album. But then there's the variety on display, with songs like the eerie "Banks of Allatoona" and the electronic stomp of "Blunt." But enough of what I think. My daughters both have been singing these songs all year. So let's see what Shayera has to say:

I like Larkin Poe very much because I like listening to rock n roll. I like "When God Closes a Door" because it's cool. Her voice makes me feel like I can do anything. This is my favorite song to sing. I like the background music in "Trouble in Mind." It sounds how I would like to do music. I would like to write rock n roll songs and play electric guitar like Rebecca. My sister likes "Don't." She says it's her song. I also like "Stubborn Love." It inspires me because I have a sister, too. I like "Blunt" because of the beat. It sounds awesome. I like the words "If you knew your chisel was blunt." I don't know what it means, but I just like it. I like the way "Crown of Fire" starts with the high pitched voice and then it just goes into the loud music. And I like the name because it sounds awesome. I love all of Larkin Poe's songs.

There you have it, from a 7 year old with taste. If your music can inspire fans to say they want to do what you're doing, then I think you've succeeded and this album does that. But don't let the fact that I can share this with my daughters lead you astray. This is not kiddie music by any stretch of the imagination. The lyric Shayera quoted from "Blunt" (which I have explained to her) is directed at god and the next line is "why did you make so many of us?" And that's just one example. There are deep, serious and heartfelt themes in all of these songs, many of them kind of dark. I'm looking forward to seeing how this band continues to grow and inspire my daughters.

2015 Week 49: Truly Random

If you're paying attention, you know I'm not against poppy music at all. I wind up gravitating to some arguably teeny bopper type shit at times with no apologies. Hell, you can't be a Beatles fan without doing so, really. Poppy music is a fine balancing act to get right, though. This week, I finally really listened to someone who is actually getting it right, no matter what they say (foreshadowing). You see, in an effort to get Shayera into music that she would want to play, we've been listening to what she likes and that's suddenly Taylor Swift. And you know what, there are some pretty decent songs in her catalog.

I had never really listened to her at all, so I've never been a hater, though I question some of the dubious things she's said regarding Spotify and trademarking some pretty standard phrases she used in a song. But I also know she writes all her stuff and takes charge of her career. So no matter what, I had a level of respect for her I can't have for some other pop stars of today. This week had me listening to songs like "Red," "Stay Stay Stay" and "Never Getting Back Together" (that last one is Shayera's jam, by the way) long after the music stopped playing. Apparently Red is Shayera's favorite album. I'll be getting her 1989 for Xmas (maybe even on vinyl), since that wasn't available on Amazon Prime for free. There are much worse things she could be listening to. No, fuck that, this needs no qualifier. Plus, if it encourages her to pick up the guitar, I'm all for it.

So, having said all that, here's a truly random collection of songs. I've just been mostly listening to the 3 albums left in my top 10, trying to figure out the order. I think I have it, now so stay tuned for that. It might surprise some of you. No, Taylor Swift isn't one of them. Maybe next album, though, you never know.

Throwback Thursday: Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

We'll be back with the top 3 albums of 2015 next week. I have to figure out the order and it's not easy at this point. Good stuff. For now, this was originally posted on my Tumblr on December 2, 2013.

Shayera and Zoey read my blog and judge me.

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

As much as I love music, I normally hate musicals, except for Disney animated musicals. Beauty and The Beast might be my favorite one, and I have no problem saying that. Recently, I think the music from Tangled really captured the old Disney magic. I’ve Got a Dream fits right in with any of the classics, as far as I’m concerned. This weekend we took our oldest daughter to see Frozen and while all the music wasn’t as strong as Tangled’s, there was one song that I can’t get out of my head because it connected on a level that I don’t remember any other song from any Disney musical ever doing with me. It’s definitely a case of right timing, but still.

The whole movie can really be seen as metaphor for siblings dealing with the older one’s growing into puberty and the distance that results from that ordeal. But I won’t dissect the movie on those terms. I’m really more interested in talking about this one song.

As an only child, I’ve never really understood what a sibling relationship can be like. I say “can be” not “is” because I know full well it’s not always ideal. Nothing is. None the less, people would always point out that I didn’t know and while some would say I was lucky not to, I always felt I was missing something. Very quickly, over the past 10 months of my second daughter being with us, I have seen a bond form almost instantly, that seems like magic between my girls. Just last night, the 4 year old was crying in one room because she was tired and didn’t want us to change her wet bed sheets (she’s working on it) and the 10 month old woke up crying as well and looking for her sister. She didn’t calm down until she saw her and was sure she was ok. Meanwhile, this 40 year old father was getting choked up watching this unfold. Similar scenes have played out at our house recently.

So watching that scene in the movie and then listening to it constantly at the 4 year old’s demand, I imagine my little Zoey, in several years, at her big sister, Shayera’s door, wanting to build a snowman while Shayera is inside the room, inside herself. And I get it. Hopefully, knowing this, having this new tool, we can manage that time when it comes. In the meantime, I’m just overwhelmed by their bond to the point that it chokes me up at times to see it or just think about it. Yet another lesson that my kids teach me. 

2015 Week 16: Ripped Jeans Type Shit

Shayera: Year One

It'll be six years on Sunday. 72 months of lives that are drastically different from what they were before that day. For 312 weeks now, it's been a roller coaster of joy, frustration, punishment and reward for all of us involved. It's been 2,190 days and I can't and don't want to imagine life any differently anymore, even if I feel like I've aged at least 12 years in the time it's taken my first born to become the smart-ass, funny, intelligent, dramatic, stubborn, loving, sensitive, inquisitive, imaginative and surreal 6 year old teenager she has become. There's a race going on on my head between bald and gray and she's cheering both on with her little sister holding the checkered flag.

On the way to her first real concert.

A few months back, she came home telling us she had been learning about the differences between real and imaginary animals. So I decided to engage her in this by asking which is real Mickey Mouse or a unicorn. She immediately said unicorn. I tried again. A dragon or Donald Duck. When she answered dragon this time, it was clear to me that she knew what I was getting at, but decided that I wasn't going to dictate the rules here. I presented a few more choices like this, where one was completely invented animal and the other was a fantasy character that happened to be a real animal. In every case, she chose the completely made up animal as being more real and what's more, she had her own logical reasons for doing so. And with each one, I noticed the smirk more, like looking in a stubborn mirror. "Jesus Christ, there's two of you!" was all my wife had to say. I can't wait to have these arguments over music! My wife just had a birthday, too and Shayera had several suggestions for what to get her. Among them, "a new chicken recipe, because I don't like her chicken." So yeah, I really do have a clone. Maybe two.

Anyway, completely unrelated is this week's playlist, an ode to not giving a fuck. It's quite simple, really, just a bunch of ripped jeans type shit, which is exactly what I'm gonna call it and that's that. Enjoy.

Little Girl's Songs

Five and a half years ago, I had been listening to this song that for some reason was making me think of growing up and my life and the next step. For about 6 months, every time I heard the song, I'd reflect back and think forward with excitement and a little fear and a whole lot of expectation. I'd wonder if I was ready and what life was going to be like. And then at the end of those 6 months, I heard it again right when it made a difference and it really hit home.

"And now my fur has turned to skin

And I've been quickly ushered in

To a world that I confess I do not know"

Five years ago, exactly, I listened to Blitzen Trapper's Furr on one of several drives back and forth from the hospital where my wife had brought our first born into the world and it made all the sense in the world that my life had gone through the stages it had to prepare me for a moment that I was not prepared for and had no idea how to deal with. Those doubts, those exciting doubts, they were the result of not really understanding. Not getting it because it couldn't be explained. But it was a sign of readiness. Understanding, if it ever comes, comes later. It comes when you do what the next song is about. It comes when you do what I've done and continue to do.

Lenny Kravitz's Little Girl's Eyes (coincidentally on his album, 5) is a song I always thought was kinda cheesy. And really, it is. But the thing is, at one point, after looking at Shayera's eyes a few times, I heard the song again after years, and it just killed me. There's a moment that can happen and I'm sure I've written about it somewhere before, where you look into your child's eyes and it connects you to the way you looked at your parents and the way they looked at you and back through the generations and forward in time, where you finally understand. I had that moment once with her. It changed me and I'm reminded of it every time I look at her now.

This isn't that moment.

She's cool.

Today, she is 5 years old and she's the funniest person I know. Coming from two smart-ass parents, she's taken it to a whole new level of artistry. She's sensitive to the point that it worries me as much as it fills me with joy, because I know what it's like. She is learning to read and loves books. She seems to be interested in science to the point of recently saying she loves Beakman so much she is going to "kiss him on the mouth!" She has been into music from day one and will dance to anything. She will watch everything from My Little Pony to Batman and who knows what else it'll be today, because she knows things aren't just for boys or girls. She teaches me something new about life and what it means to be human almost daily. In her eyes I see my successes and failures as a parent and I see my temper in her tantrums, but we learn together. In the past year, watching her be such a natural at the big sister role has given me the opportunity to live through her and her sister what I never had as an only child. Her laugh is the greatest sound in the world and her cries may as well be punches with flaming, electrified barbed wire knuckles to each one of my bare nuts. I already miss the last 5 years of watching her grow, but I can't wait to see the next 5 and the 5 after that, etc.. It's a bizarre thing. You wish you could somehow stretch time out like paper dolls so you could see them at every stage into the future.